Agency

I’ve been thinking a lot about the degree of agency I have in my life.  How much do I make things happen versus how often do I passively accept things that “happen” to me?  

I got on this line of thinking after I found out that my work contract wasn’t going to be renewed.  It was time to look for a new job and I had a lot of decisions to make.  Did I want to get a corporate job?  Did I still want to do marketing or would I do something else?  Did I want to start my own business?  

In the end, a lead from a headhunter resulted in a job offer, which I am accepting.  The timing was perfect--it coincided exactly with when my old job was ending.  But in a way I wonder if it was too perfect.  Because this job (which I am very excited about) landed on my lap, I never really had to make the tough decision.  

And that’s when I realised that I don’t really make tough decisions.  I certainly set myself up for things to happen--someone had to contact that headhunter in the first place, for example--but generally I go with the flow.  I’ve always just accepted events as fate: if something didn’t work out it was not meant to be, or the opposite.  

I wonder where I got this mindset.  Am I just a passive person?  I know I’m not particularly ambitious--my goals are less around status and more around lifestyle.  I want certain things for myself but achieving them hasn’t come at the cost of other people or opportunities.  For example, I wanted to live in London and I figured that graduate school was the best way to make the transition.  So I applied to a program and was accepted.  Choosing to enroll was a no-brainer.  

I think things are different when it comes to my career.  If I think about it in terms of my performance in organisations, any time I’ve tried to push for a promotion or job opportunity the results haven’t been so great for me.  Part of that could have been company culture, however.  In general, my work philosophy has become more laid-back.  If I keep my head down, work hard, achieve results, and get along with people good things should come.  If they don’t, I should move companies.  

That said, there is also a case for some active work on my part regarding my career direction.  I’ve been pushing to move into marketing ever since graduate school.  My first role out of school wasn’t in marketing, but my new role is.  In part I think that was because I was patient and persevered.  So, in theory I shouldn’t be feeling completely like a mindless drone.

I guess the next area of examination for me is with relationships.  I remember the first time I asked a boy out.  In ninth grade I liked a boy named Dan Carlson and I passed him a note in World History class telling him I liked him.  He pretended like he never saw the note and ignored me.  AWKWARD.  I’ve tried expressing my feelings to guys a few more times since then, but I’ve always been rejected.  

Now I am quite gun-shy.  I take a much more passive role when it comes to expressing interest.  I really do expect men to take the lead in asking me out.  Unfortunately I’m very bad at giving them encouragement.  I can barely make eye contact with men when I first meet them and I’m horrible at flirting with men that I actually fancy.  I know this is a bit of a recurring theme with me (see Winter Winds post), but I’m clearly having trouble working through it.  My brain knows what to do, but I can’t seem to put it into action!

So, what’s the resolution?  I think that I’m less passive than I think I am.  I don’t have to make many “tough” decisions probably because the decisions I make don’t seem tough to me, even though they might be under other circumstances.  But I do need to take more control in areas where I’m feeling unhappy.  Right now, that’s the love life.  Speed dating anyone?

Memoirs

Right now I’m retired.  I left my job the other week and I have a month off before my next job begins.  My plan is for self improvement:  exercise, museums, reading, generally taking care of myself.  I know I’ve been very bad about the blogging lately.  The anxiety of not having a job really held me back.  I kind of lost my sense of humor for a while and I didn’t have the energy to write.  But now that I’m in the clear I’m feeling good about getting back into things.  And I have grand ambitions.  

So, the other week I went to Texas to celebrate my grandfather’s 90th birthday.  Now, that’s a milestone!  Luckily for me, my family has good genes.  My grandmother is 87 and, apart from poor hearing, is healthy as a horse.  On the other side of the family, my grandfather died at 94 and my grandmother in her late 80s.  I had two great-grandmothers make it into their 90s.  Unless I get hit by a bus I should live a long time.

Anyways, my mother has been pestering my grandpa about writing his memoirs.  This has been exacerbated by the fact that his eyesight is failing so he’s been doing oral histories.  During one of his stories he mentioned that people should start their memoirs earlier as it gets harder and harder to remember details.  

This has started me thinking that I should begin writing my memoirs.  The other night I couldn’t sleep so I gave this even more thought.  How would I organize my memoirs--would I go chronologically or would it be thematic?  Would I offer my thoughts and opinions on things or stick to recounting stories mainly as they happened?  Would I talk about sex?

That last one got me stumped.  It made me realize that I need to consider my audience.  I guess I figured it would be my kids and grandkids reading the memoirs someday... unless of course I become wildly famous, at which point people of all kinds will be clamoring to read my life story.  But, since I don’t even have so much as a boyfriend right now and I’m pushing 30, the frightening thought is that I might never have kids or grandkids, that there will be no one to read my memoirs.  

Fuck it, I’m going to do it anyways, just for myself.  A while back I found my old journal, which I kept when I was in middle school.  Most of my entries were about my first boyfriend, Justin.  They were things like “When I look at the moon I think that Justin is seeing it too so even though we’re apart we’re together” and “When I hear Mariah Carey’s song Can’t Live if Living is Without You I think of Justin and how he dedicated that song to me at the school dance” and “I think Catherine is trying to flirt with Justin, I better keep an eye on that.”  Really sappy stuff for the most part and very funny to re-read.  

So, my memoirs are going to be my retirement project.  As will blogging.  Facing unemployment I had to force myself to think about what I want to do with my life.  I considered dropping everything and becoming a barista or a cheese packager.  Because let’s face it, a lot of my life revolves around food.  It’s something I care about.  But I’ve always been afraid that doing something food-related for a job would have bad outcomes for me: 1)  I’d get fat and 2) turning something I love into my job would somehow kill my love and leave me bitter and despondent, an empty husk of a person (though possibly skinny after turning from food in favor of drugs).  So, I’m going to try to focus this blog on food--stories about my relationship with food, both good and warped, etc.  I probably won’t write just about food--I can’t help where inspiration strikes--but I have a feeling that food will be a strong theme running through this blog (like it sort of is already).