I’ve been thinking a lot about the degree of agency I have in my life. How much do I make things happen versus how often do I passively accept things that “happen” to me?
I got on this line of thinking after I found out that my work contract wasn’t going to be renewed. It was time to look for a new job and I had a lot of decisions to make. Did I want to get a corporate job? Did I still want to do marketing or would I do something else? Did I want to start my own business?
In the end, a lead from a headhunter resulted in a job offer, which I am accepting. The timing was perfect--it coincided exactly with when my old job was ending. But in a way I wonder if it was too perfect. Because this job (which I am very excited about) landed on my lap, I never really had to make the tough decision.
And that’s when I realised that I don’t really make tough decisions. I certainly set myself up for things to happen--someone had to contact that headhunter in the first place, for example--but generally I go with the flow. I’ve always just accepted events as fate: if something didn’t work out it was not meant to be, or the opposite.
I wonder where I got this mindset. Am I just a passive person? I know I’m not particularly ambitious--my goals are less around status and more around lifestyle. I want certain things for myself but achieving them hasn’t come at the cost of other people or opportunities. For example, I wanted to live in London and I figured that graduate school was the best way to make the transition. So I applied to a program and was accepted. Choosing to enroll was a no-brainer.
I think things are different when it comes to my career. If I think about it in terms of my performance in organisations, any time I’ve tried to push for a promotion or job opportunity the results haven’t been so great for me. Part of that could have been company culture, however. In general, my work philosophy has become more laid-back. If I keep my head down, work hard, achieve results, and get along with people good things should come. If they don’t, I should move companies.
That said, there is also a case for some active work on my part regarding my career direction. I’ve been pushing to move into marketing ever since graduate school. My first role out of school wasn’t in marketing, but my new role is. In part I think that was because I was patient and persevered. So, in theory I shouldn’t be feeling completely like a mindless drone.
I guess the next area of examination for me is with relationships. I remember the first time I asked a boy out. In ninth grade I liked a boy named Dan Carlson and I passed him a note in World History class telling him I liked him. He pretended like he never saw the note and ignored me. AWKWARD. I’ve tried expressing my feelings to guys a few more times since then, but I’ve always been rejected.
Now I am quite gun-shy. I take a much more passive role when it comes to expressing interest. I really do expect men to take the lead in asking me out. Unfortunately I’m very bad at giving them encouragement. I can barely make eye contact with men when I first meet them and I’m horrible at flirting with men that I actually fancy. I know this is a bit of a recurring theme with me (see Winter Winds post), but I’m clearly having trouble working through it. My brain knows what to do, but I can’t seem to put it into action!
So, what’s the resolution? I think that I’m less passive than I think I am. I don’t have to make many “tough” decisions probably because the decisions I make don’t seem tough to me, even though they might be under other circumstances. But I do need to take more control in areas where I’m feeling unhappy. Right now, that’s the love life. Speed dating anyone?
I got on this line of thinking after I found out that my work contract wasn’t going to be renewed. It was time to look for a new job and I had a lot of decisions to make. Did I want to get a corporate job? Did I still want to do marketing or would I do something else? Did I want to start my own business?
In the end, a lead from a headhunter resulted in a job offer, which I am accepting. The timing was perfect--it coincided exactly with when my old job was ending. But in a way I wonder if it was too perfect. Because this job (which I am very excited about) landed on my lap, I never really had to make the tough decision.
And that’s when I realised that I don’t really make tough decisions. I certainly set myself up for things to happen--someone had to contact that headhunter in the first place, for example--but generally I go with the flow. I’ve always just accepted events as fate: if something didn’t work out it was not meant to be, or the opposite.
I wonder where I got this mindset. Am I just a passive person? I know I’m not particularly ambitious--my goals are less around status and more around lifestyle. I want certain things for myself but achieving them hasn’t come at the cost of other people or opportunities. For example, I wanted to live in London and I figured that graduate school was the best way to make the transition. So I applied to a program and was accepted. Choosing to enroll was a no-brainer.
I think things are different when it comes to my career. If I think about it in terms of my performance in organisations, any time I’ve tried to push for a promotion or job opportunity the results haven’t been so great for me. Part of that could have been company culture, however. In general, my work philosophy has become more laid-back. If I keep my head down, work hard, achieve results, and get along with people good things should come. If they don’t, I should move companies.
That said, there is also a case for some active work on my part regarding my career direction. I’ve been pushing to move into marketing ever since graduate school. My first role out of school wasn’t in marketing, but my new role is. In part I think that was because I was patient and persevered. So, in theory I shouldn’t be feeling completely like a mindless drone.
I guess the next area of examination for me is with relationships. I remember the first time I asked a boy out. In ninth grade I liked a boy named Dan Carlson and I passed him a note in World History class telling him I liked him. He pretended like he never saw the note and ignored me. AWKWARD. I’ve tried expressing my feelings to guys a few more times since then, but I’ve always been rejected.
Now I am quite gun-shy. I take a much more passive role when it comes to expressing interest. I really do expect men to take the lead in asking me out. Unfortunately I’m very bad at giving them encouragement. I can barely make eye contact with men when I first meet them and I’m horrible at flirting with men that I actually fancy. I know this is a bit of a recurring theme with me (see Winter Winds post), but I’m clearly having trouble working through it. My brain knows what to do, but I can’t seem to put it into action!
So, what’s the resolution? I think that I’m less passive than I think I am. I don’t have to make many “tough” decisions probably because the decisions I make don’t seem tough to me, even though they might be under other circumstances. But I do need to take more control in areas where I’m feeling unhappy. Right now, that’s the love life. Speed dating anyone?
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