BFFs

One of my (many) faults is that I can be harsh and unforgiving.   I am at my worst when it comes to my friends.  I have certain expectations about friendship.  I think I have many of these expectations because I moved around a lot growing up.  Having these expectations about who friends are and what friends do helped me to make friends and to cope with leaving friends whenever I moved away.  

My criteria for friendship are pretty stringent.  Above and beyond a general rapport I look for friends who are smart, funny, genuine, loyal, and reliable.  Having these strict criteria meant that I only invested in a handful of relationships, which made it easier to say goodbye to a lot of people whenever I moved and also motivated me to maintain relationships with a select few that had the greatest likelihood of standing the test of time and distance. 

So, for as long as I can remember I’ve had small group of close friends and then I’ve maintained a wider group of “acquaintances.”  I really work hard at being friends with my close friends--I try to see them (or at least talk or email with them) on a regular basis, I like to give them small gifts to show my appreciation for their friendship, I’m loyal, I tell them that they’re awesome (they are), I try to support and encourage them as best I know how, and I try not to let them down.  

And here is where the unforgiving thing comes in.  I don’t expect my friends to go about maintaining our relationship in the exact same why that I do, but I do expect it to be a two-sided relationship.  It’s like cost-benefit analysis--if I’m paying all the costs (time, effort, emotion) and I’m not getting anything back (mostly I define returns as facetime—I just want to see/talk to you!), then why the hell am I wasting my time?  I’m pretty good at cutting friends—you have to be when you move every 3-4 years.  And that’s what I do when I feel like my overtures of friendship are not reciprocated:  I cut.

Now, I realise that this is very harsh.  I can cut for a lot of reasons that people might not understand.  If someone is flaky and cancels on me a lot when we make plans, they’re contenders for being cut.  If I feel like I’m always the one to ask a friend to do something (and he/she never asks me to do something), then I might think of cutting them.  One of my greatest pet peeves is friends who ditch me for a new girl/boyfriend.  If they don’t want to make an effort to maintain a friendship when they have a significant other, they shouldn’t expect me to make an effort to be friends when you’re single again.  For me that’s a sign that they don’t value my friendship.  I’m not being draconian here—I understand that people want to spend time with their new loves, but I don’t think that it has to be at the expense of other relationships.  If someone can’t be bothered to make time for me, then they clearly don’t think I’m important.  If that they way they want it, fine.  Then they’re not important to me either.  It’s self-preservation.

Now, I know there are faults with this approach.  For example, people can be going through stuff and I fail to notice it because I’m too busy being angry and resentful that they’re not reciprocating.  I also can’t expect people to treat friendship the same way I do.  Obviously there are many things that define friendship and many ways to make, keep, and lose friends.  People shouldn’t be expected to know or agree with my arbitrary set of rules. 

I’m working on trying to be more understanding.  And I need to communicate my expectations and my feelings so the other person is aware when there might be a problem.   I think that’s going to be my new rule.  From now on, I’ll work on not closing the door completely.  Maybe you’ll move down to acquaintance status, but I need to leave the door open for you to become a friend again.  But if it happens again, all bets are off.  Like I said, I’m not that forgiving.