Fear

Fear is holding me back.  I hate it, but I can’t seem to move past it.  When it doesn’t put me into ostrich mode (i.e., head in the sand), or deer-in-headlights mode (i.e., paralysis), it seems that I spend my time trying to circumvent it, being miserable, and then daydreaming to escape it. 

I think I’m afraid of both success and failure.  I just want to toe the middle.  Look at my current work situation.  I’m working a contract job that’s mostly unrewarding and not at all geared to what I want to do long-term.  I fear being unemployed when my contact ends, so I apply to a jobs in a half-assed manner.  I’ve given up on the stretch jobs, the ones that are what I really want to do but that I have zero chance of getting.  I apply to the jobs that are in adjacent fields, hoping that I have enough transferrable skills.  But they’re not what I really want to do.  And they may never lead to what I really want to do.

And then I think about what I’d want to do if I was fearless.  I want to have my own shop.  I want to sell cheese and cured meats, wines, specialty foods.  I want a store that has tastings and cooking classes and is part of the community.  If my store becomes successful, I’d want to branch out to have a farm where I can make my own cheese, bake my own bread.  And I’d have a small hotel where people can come to learn about food production and cooking.

So, then I think I should try to get experience in the grocery industry.  I read up on the management positions that would give me the income I’m accustomed to.  I don’t have the required experience.  That leaves me with entry level—around £20,000 a year.  And then fear sets in.  I know I would learn a lot, and I would put myself on a track to having my own store someday (or at least being in a management position at a retailer).  It’s a big risk.  It’s a lot of lost income.  And, given my track record, would I ever follow through?  If I got that job and took the salary hit, would I ever make it worth it and start my own shop someday?  I think about inertia, I think about my fear of success, and I think I’m doomed.