Falling off the Wagon In Style (Well... in MY Style)

So, approximately 15 days after the meat diet (as I fondly call it) officially ended I broke down and had a carb feeding frenzy.  It was like a shark sensing blood in the water.  I ate like a bulimic on a binge, but I don’t purge.  It probably could have been a lot worse.  Mostly it involved a lot of cookie dough, and then some cookies that I grudgingly cooked to justify the cookie dough in the first place.  And. since I started the downward spiral, I thought I should at least make a proper go of it.  It didn’t hurt that my friend and I had reservations at a very nice restaurant the next day.  So, I gave myself license to just not care about it up through Easter.  Then I’ll have to care again.

The not caring part has actually been pretty hard.  I think I’m on a self-destructive streak, actually.   I’m getting heavier and it terrifies me.  But I can’t get my head straight.  I can’t keep to a diet and I’m less motivated than ever to hit the gym.  I’m worried about jeans getting tighter and about the way my clothes fit.  I’m noticing some changes in my body that have me feeling self-conscious and that makes me depressed.  To paraphrase Fat Bastard, I’m eating because I’m unhappy and I’m unhappy because I’m eating.  As much as I tell myself I’ll feel better if I can impose some sort of control over the situation, I just can’t do it.  Maybe deep down somewhere I don’t think I deserve to feel good about myself?  That I don’t deserve to look good?  I guess that would go along with my middle-of-the-road approach I described in my post on fear.  What a waste.

So, I’ve been doing this caring but not caring thing now for a few days.  Stuff is going in my mouth that I normally wouldn’t eat.  But since I’ve removed some of the stigma around the food I’ve actually been a bit more reasonable in the volumes I’ve consumed.  And I’ve actually gone to the gym or worked out every day that I’ve been eating more.  Its not nearly enough to cover the calories I’m taking in, but its something.  Somehow its easier to go to the gym now.  Strange.  

There have been two highlights of my freedom week so far.  The first is my lunch at Launceston Place, which is an amazing restaurant in the Kensington area.  I had super delicious short ribs and veal and my friend had consomme and beef.  Here are pictures of the short ribs and the beef.  We also ate lovely fresh baked bread, sweets, and booze.  It was lovely.  

Braised Short Ribs

Steak

The second highlight was my homemade bread and cheese.  Yes, I made my own cheese.  I’ve been obsessed with making cheese for a few weeks now and I’ve been looking into classes but haven’t found much.  Crazy, I know.  Who wouldn’t want to take cheese making classes?  Anyways, its super simple to make a soft cheese--mine tasted like a mild goat cheese or a more tangy cream cheese.  Here’s what you do:

1) Heat 1 litre of whole milk (optional add 100-200ml of cream) slowly to 80 degrees C, stirring constantly to prevent burning/film on top of the milk
2)  When milk reaches 80 degrees C, take it off the heat.  Pour in approx 350 ml of cultured buttermilk and 2 tsp of lemon juice.  
3)  Briefly stir and then let sit for 10 minutes undisturbed.
4)  Use a sieve to separate the curds and the whey.  Try to get most of the moisture out but letting the curds sit in the sieve over a pot for 30 minutes or so.
5)  Add 1 tsp of salt and any other desired spices, pack cheese into a jar, and refrigerate overnight.

To go with my cheese I also made bread using Mark Bittman’s no-knead bread recipe I got off the New York Times.  Here’s photos of my feast:

My pride and joy -- homemade bread and cheese

I do realise that eventually I have to sort myself out.  Right now the plan is that after Easter and some travel I have coming up I’m going to go vegetarian.  I’ll be posting on my new diet experiment in early May.