I didn’t record everything I ate this weekend, but I didn’t stray from the diet. I ate a bit more saucisson seche than I probably should and I had some red wine, but otherwise I was within the rules.
I’m thinking of subtitling this post “Breaking Up is Hard to Do.” Recently I “broke up” with one of my good friends. This is not something I take lightly: I’ve only broken up with one other friend in my life. She was passive aggressive and enjoyed putting me down through back-handed compliments. It took me a while to figure out what she was doing; I was always giving her the benefit of the doubt. And I felt bad for her because she had family problems. So, I let things slide. But eventually it became too much and I had to distance myself.
This recent rupture was preceded by lots of little niggles. They were all so small that I discounted them. It was generally just minor incidents of selfish behaviour: temper tantrums and offensive tones of voice when he was annoyed, unwillingness to compromise, making unilateral decisions (i.e., refusing his “permission”) when I had a valid say, lack of reciprocation for gifts and thoughtful gestures on my behalf. They didn’t happen often, but when they did, they hurt me. And I never said anything. I had so much fun with him, I didn’t want to mess it up by raising my “petty” concerns. I’m bad at confrontation. I get tongue-tied. And I knew he wouldn’t take it well and, frankly, I didn’t want to deal with his invective.
Then, the Incident happened. I’m not going to go into what it was, it wasn’t even that big of a thing, but it represented his lack of respect for me. I felt like I had to say something, if for no other reason than to clear the air. When I approached him about it he quickly apologised. I took that as a sign that he would be open to discussing it--that was my mistake. I wanted to explain to him that the act itself wasn’t a problem for me, it was the circumstances around it that I found troubling. As I clumsily tried to explain myself, his temper started to show. He basically told me to shut up, in a really awful tone. I told him not to speak like that to me and he told me to stop attacking him. But I wasn’t attacking him. I was talking about my feelings. And I was using a calm tone. That was it. I lost it. I said “Fuck you” and I haven’t really spoken to him since.
I thought maybe he’d apologise after we cooled down, but he pretended like nothing happened. But I can’t go back, and it seems like we can’t move forward either. Mostly I feel deceived and hurt: deceived as to his true nature and hurt that he used me. There’s no room for repair now.
I haven’t really told many people that we’re no longer friends--it didn’t seem fair to put them in the middle. That makes things awkward because people ask after him in conversation. I usually reply “good” or “I don’t know.” And sometimes we get invited to the same events. I avoid him.
I guess eventually its going to have to come out. Otherwise some people are going to get caught in the crossfire. I just don’t know how to do it. I know why I’m no longer friends with him, but I don’t know why he’s no longer friends with me. Did I do something equally bad in the lead up to our spat? From my perspective the point is moot, but I don’t want to involve our mutual friends in a “he said/she said” situation.
I can’t really think of a graceful way to end this post. It is what it is. It sucks. I miss the good parts of our relationship--all the fun we had--but I know that we’ll never go back to being friends. And I’m sorry for the way that this is going to impact our other friendships. Breaking up really is hard to do.
Mood: nondescript
Jeans: Fat jeans
Belt notch: 4th/5th notch in
| Food | Carbs (g) | Fat (g) | Calories | Protein |
| Scrambled Eggs | trace | 15.2 | 206 | |
| Saucisson Seche | 1.8 | 38.1 | 460 | 25.5 |
| Chicken caesar | 5.2 | 23.3 | 532 | 67.5 |
| Gammon | 0.8 | 17.7 | 315 | 38.5 |
| Asparagus | 2 | 0.6 | 25 | 2.9 |
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