My lovely friend Kerry (who is feeling a bit poorly today--get well soon!) has suggested that I introduce stricter criteria for identifying skanks. To start, I googled it. Here are some of the more illuminating definitions:
“filth: any substance considered disgustingly foul or unpleasant”
“a rhythmic dance to reggae music performed by bending forward and extending the hands while bending the knees”
“small mammals that are addicted to Crystal Meth and will attempt to sodomize you upon sight if you don't give them the shotgun.”
“Skank is the self-titled debut album by Brazilian rock band Skank. Released independently in 1992 with 3,000 copies, the album sold 1,200 in 45 days and drew the attention of Sony BMG, who re-released the album on its new Chaos label. The album sold approximately 250,000 copies.”
“skanky - disgusting: highly offensive; arousing aversion or disgust"
Who knew the word had such rich and varied meanings?
I think the following criteria should be included in the skank index:
- Naturalness of skin colour, ranked on a scale of 1-5. 1 would signify a normal skin shade, 3 would be a mismatch of foundation to skin tone (as evidenced by a line around the jawline), and 5 would be copious use of bronzer or fake tan to produce an orange hue. If you look more like produce than a person, you score a 5.
- Spidery-ness of eyelashes. If you’re fake eyelashes are so heavy you can barely blink or your mascara looks like tarantula legs, you get a point.
- Heaviness of makeup. If your lipstick is lighter than your skin tone (i.e., you’re orange, your lipstick is almost white) you get a point. If you placed your face on a cloth and created your own unholy shroud of Turin, you get a point.
- Hair. If you have plastic hair extensions or wear a “piece”, add a point. If your dye job looks homemade and overly orange or green, add a point. If it looks like you stuck your finger in an electrical socket and you think it looks “sexy,” add a point.
- Appropriateness of clothing: If your “night” look is also your “day” look, add a point. If I can see your underwear (or that you’re not wearing underwear), add a point. Duct tape does not count as clothing. If your hand covers more of your body than your clothes, go straight to jail. If you pass go, do not collect £200.
- If you can’t walk in your platform heels, you get a point.
- Now, multiply this sum by the number of illegitimate children/pregnancy scares/abortions/adoptions. If you don’t have kids, well done. Remember to always use a condom and that grape jelly is not an effective method of birth control.
So, lesson here is don’t be a skank. After all, as a wise friend once told me: “Pretty trumps everything.”
Mood: slap-happy
Jeans: Fat jeans
Belt notch: 4th/5th notch in
| Food | Carbs (g) | Fat (g) | Calories | Protein |
| Scrambled Eggs | trace | 15.2 | 206 | |
| Santini Salad | 5.9 | 11.1 | 125 | 2 |
| Roasted chicken leg | 0.6 | 17.7 | 295 | 32.4 |
| 3 glasses sparkling wine | 4.2 | 0 | 228 | 0.9 |
| Asparagus | 2 | 0.6 | 25 | 2.9 |
| Salad with basalmic dressing | 2.1 | 0.3 | 15 | 0.8 |
| Edam cheese (100g) | 0.1 | 23.8 | 318 | 25.8 |
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